Grant Baldwin's Blog » Funny

Funny/Interesting Happenings From My Trip…

Grant — Tue, 21 Jul 2009 13:43:43 +0000

If you follow me on Twitter or catch my occasional status updates on Facebook, you may have heard the live play-by-play of these incidents. But in case you missed them, here were a few interesting/funny stories that happened on my trip to Phoenix over the weekend.

Cops On A Plane – We land in Phoenix, get parked at the gate, and the captain announces this: “stay in your seats while our officials come on board and solve a delicate matter.”

Awesome. I love delicate matters in small confined places like an airplane!

Next thing we know, multiple cops come on board. I travel enough to know that cops don’t normally greet the arriving passengers…unless of course it is a “delicate matter”. A few cops stay towards the front and one goes to the back. Some lady gets up and walks out and then the cop starts “escorting” some guy in 20s off. As they are passing me, the guy asks the cop what this is all about, and the cop replies: “keep your mouth shut until we get out in the terminal.”

Apparently, this guy didn’t win the “best passenger of the flight” award. Sounds like he was going to get a spanking. Or a time-out for a few days in a small room with some dude named Vinny.

Obviously, the entire plane is intrigued by this “delicate matter”. As I’m walking off the plane, I see the captain and a stewardess talking, so I switch into “eavesdropping-regarding-delicate-matters” mode. As I walk by them, the stewardess finishes a sentence (I didn’t hear it), and the captain responds, “So at that moment it became a physical assault.”

Interesting.

Out in the terminal, there is some official talking to the lady (I knew he was official because he carried a walkie-talkie and his jacket said “official”). Then there were four cops surrounding the guy talking to him.

Honestly, I wanted to stick around and watch this unfold. Actually what I really wanted to do was take a picture, but I thought taking a picture of four cops with guns handling a “delicate matter” wasn’t such a smart idea.

I guess we’ll never know what happened with the “worst passenger of the flight”. Say hi to Vinny for us.

Twitter Backfired On Me – I was sitting in one of the general sessions at the conference with a couple of friends. There was another guy at the table we didn’t know who had his back to us but was fiddling with his iPhone most of the session. No big deal, except for the fact that he didn’t mute his phone off of clicking mode, so anytime he typed anything, it was loud and annoying.

So I post the following on Twitter: “Sitting in the AM session at #nsa09. Guy at our table is typing on his iPhone but apparently doesn’t know how to mute the clicking…wow”.

The mistake I made was to include the “#nsa09″ also known as a hash-tag in Twitter world. You use hash-tags to identify a category for your tweet. People at the conference all use the same hash-tag so you can easily search and read what others are saying about the event.

Of course, I didn’t really think this guy would stumble across my tweet. (You see where this is going don’t you?!)

Not five minutes go by before said iPhone guy turns around and says, “I turned off the clicking.”

OMG.

Well that was awkward.

At that moment I found myself in a pickle. What is the proper protocol for technology-based situations like this?! What do you say to a guy you’ve never met, who is sitting five feet from you, yet you offended via technology? Do you apologize in the medium in which the offense took place (via Twitter) or do you take the incident from virtual to real since he is sitting right there?

What did I do?

I decided to tell you about it on my blog.

My Unique Flight Into Kansas…

Grant — Wed, 01 Apr 2009 10:47:21 +0000

Yesterday, I flew into Garden City, Kansas, which was a unique experience to say the least. As you may know, I travel quite a bit so I’ve seen a lot of planes and airports, but nothing like this.

I go out to the plane in Denver and there is no bathroom, no overhead bins, no door blocking off the cockpit, and just a single seat on each side of the isle. And the best part…

The captain was also the flight attendant…I kid you not!

He closes the door, then turns around and goes through the safety speech! Then, climbs right into the cockpit.

We land in Garden City and taxi up to the gate. I don’t mean just any gate. I mean the gate…the only gate!

Welcome to Kansas. It’s good to be here.

My Daughter The Flower Girl…Funny Stories

Grant — Tue, 24 Mar 2009 10:19:39 +0000

As you may have heard, my oldest daughter, Sydnee (who will be 3 in a few weeks), was the flower girl at my sister-in-law’s wedding. If you know Syd or have at least heard of her, then you probably know she’s got a little bit of energy…to say the least.

If you didn’t know any better, you would think we mix her juice with Red Bull and give her sugar packets for snacks.

But nonetheless she was trusted with the responsibility of being a flower girl, and she created several memories. Allow me to share…

As the rehearsal dinner is wrapping up, they are getting ready to show a sappy video of the bride and groom’s baby pictures and all that fun stuff. So they turn the lights out and are waiting for the video to start when Syd yells out at the top of her lungs, “I GOTTA GO PEE!” Silly girl…
At the wedding itself she was a little nervous and we weren’t sure how she was going to do. My wife was the maid-of-honor, so it worked out that Syd would walk down the isle with my wife. She got up there in her spot, the bride came in, and then everyone got settled back into their seats. But Syd decided she didn’t want to stay there, so she jumps off the altar and goes sprinting down the center isle to me in the back of the room. Kind of cute huh? I talk to her and tell her to stay with me but when I turn my head for a second, she decides she needs to go back to Mommy who is still on the stage! After sprinting back down the isle for a 2nd run, she tells Mommy that she wants to show Daddy some the flowers she was holding. Of course my wife objected and told her to stay still but next thing you know she is sprinting back down the isle a 3rd time! Needless to say, after that I took her outside for the remainder of the wedding. We couldn’t risk another “runaway flower girl” episode!
As the maid-of-honor, my wife was going to give a toast to the bride and groom. But Syd didn’t want to be a part from Mommy, so the entire time she is giving the toast, Syd is in the back of the room crying and screaming, “Mommy, hold me…Mommy, hold me!”

For the new bride and groom and any other young couples in attendance, I think it was a good shot of birth control for them!

The Joys of Travel…

Grant — Thu, 05 Feb 2009 19:45:21 +0000

I’m sitting on the plane in Dallas waiting to head out to Newark. Here are some tidbits from the day…

– Original flight to Newark was canceled but then got on later option only to be moved to a flight that was supposed to go out before my original flight but was delayed..get all that?
– We are now sitting on the Tarmac where they just announced another 30 minute delay.
– There is a girl behind me who is about 8 or 9 and hasn’t stopped talking since she sat down. Her dad dropped her off and warned the guy she was next to that “she will talk your ear off”…he wasn’t kidding. She even asked the guy if she could borrow his laptop to play games! HA!
– The guy next to me is snoring and grunting in his sleep…nice. Wishing I could record the audio of this moment.

Just wanted to give you a live update of my life on the airplane at this moment!

I’m Glad I Had A Camera Phone For This Moment…

Grant — Fri, 21 Nov 2008 15:00:31 +0000

I mentioned it in a status update yesterday, but while walking through the food court at the mall, a moment occurred that I’m glad I was able to witness. Some employees were fiddling with a faucet when apparently something busted and water began spraying everywhere! While this picture doesn’t do it justice, it was a great moment!

You can see the water spraying up, but unfortunately you don’t get the full effect of smoke coming from the light that was being sprayed and the two teenage employees in sheer panic as the food court watched on. Good times…

10 Things NOT To Do When Sharing A Hotel With The President of China…

Grant — Sat, 15 Nov 2008 20:54:38 +0000

This weekend I had the privilege of speaking at the FBLA-PBL National Fall Leadership Conference in Washington DC. Meanwhile, across town at the White House, 20 of the most powerful men and women in the world gathered for an international economic summit.

So when I checked in at the hotel, I noticed there were Secret Service agents, police officers, and media reporters all over the hotel. I began asking around and guess who I was sharing a hotel with?

The President of China.

So with Secret Service agents swarming this fancy hotel, I came up with a list of 10 Things NOT To Do When Sharing A Hotel With The President of China…

10. Ask an agent if you can wear one of those cool ear pieces and talk into his sleeve.

9. Reach into your inside coat pocket as the motorcade is arriving. One conference attendee learned this the hard way and was detained for 45 minutes!

8. Introduce yourself as Jack Bauer and demand to speak with the President.

7. Offer the President Cashew Chicken with a side of Kung Pao, and then do a karate move.

6. In your best hick accent, say to the President, “You’ve got a big wall over there, don’tcha cowboy.”

5. Introduce yourself as MacGyver. Better yet, introduce yourself as McGruber.

4. Yell across the room, “Hey Mr. President…you’re the bomb!”

3. Go the Chinese media and tell them you’re the real Brad Pitt.

2. Tell an agent that you’re really a ninja.

1. Say to the President, “Sorry Michael Phelps beat your whole country this summer.”

And You Thought You Had A Strange Job…

Grant — Fri, 10 Oct 2008 13:07:59 +0000

As you’re probably already aware, there are some pretty strange jobs that exist in the world. In fact, CareerBuilder.com just came out with one of their latest surveys where 8,700 workers shared some of the strangest and most bizarre jobs they ever did.
Here is a list of the top 26 from A to Z…

A – Autopsy assistant
B – Bartender at the Liberace mansion
C – Cat nanny
D – Donkey trainer
E – Elf at Santa’s workshop
F – FBI Fingerprint examiner
G – Grave digger
H – Hurricane hunter
I – Ice sculpture carver
J – Junk mail machine operator
K- Kitty litter box decorator
L – Laser tag referee
M – Magician’s assistant
N – Nuclear electrician on a submarine
O – Opera singer
P – Parachute tester
Q – Quality control/taster for chocolate factory
R – Romance specialist
S – Scratcher (scratched backs for patients)
T – Turkey wrangler
U – Undercover vice decoy
V – Video game tester
W – Wallpaper peeler
X – X-ray technician for zoo animals
Y – Yawn counter at a sleep clinic
Z – Zamboni driver

So many observations to make here, but I’ll let you make yours…

Which one is your favorite?

9 Ideas For Debate Reform

Grant — Wed, 08 Oct 2008 04:17:58 +0000

I just finished watching the Presidential Debate and like most of you, I’m ready for all this to be over with. But with both candidates discussing issues of reform and change, I thought I would give some ideas for Debate Reform. Here are 9 ideas I came up with that would make the debates a little more interesting and less depressing:

For every 10 seconds you go over your allotted time to answer a question, the other candidate gets extra time to answer the question.
If a candidate doesn’t actually answer the question as determined by the moderator, they lose 3 gold stars (or 3 Electoral College votes).
If a candidate begins rambling and the audience gets bored, pre-selected voters can trigger small electric shocks to the candidate (Like a barking dog collar).
The stoplights that signal remaining time should be hung around each candidates’ neck. (Think Flava Flav’s clock)
If a candidate interrupts the other candidate while they are answering a question, they get slapped by a grandmotherly-like voter from the audience. If a candidate interrupts the moderator while they are talking, they get sat on by a Sumo wrestler for 10 minutes.
Every time a candidate says “look at my record,” we look at embarrassing-photoshopped pictures submitted by the other candidate’s campaign.
If elected, every time you break a promise you made in your campaign, you get docked 2 months of your Presidential term.
Two words: Cage Match.
Every time you trash your opponent, an undecided voter gets to punch you in the throat.

Now it’s your turn. Finish this sentence. “The debates would be more interesting if…”

I Bet Their Moms Are Proud…

Grant — Mon, 29 Sep 2008 00:48:22 +0000

Is it me or do these people have too much free time on their hands? They probably all still live in their parents’ basements…

UCLA Group Discovers Humongous Prime Number

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I Should Be In A Band…

Grant — Thu, 25 Sep 2008 02:57:21 +0000

I finished speaking tonight at a youth event outside the St. Louis area and had a great time. I love what I get to do. But unfortunately, tonight I realized I picked the wrong profession…

I should be in a band.

Without fail, any time I’m a part of an event that a band is at, the band just exudes “cool”. And me…well, not much going on here.

After the event, I stand at the back next to the band’s table and sign autographs (which I still find ironic). I sign a handful of autographs and snap an occasional picture, but the band…

Don’t even get me started.

But when I’m at an event and there is NOT a band in attendance, my cool factor improves by default because there are no other options. So all that to say…

I should be in a band.